Category Archives: meaningless

The animals shall have their revenge

I’ve had nothing interesting to post recently. The best I can offer at the moment is this strange statute I found in the LAW table of the Kentucky state legal case management system we’ve been working on:

ACQUIRING CONTROL OVER ANIMAL FACILITY W/O CONSENT

Interestingly, it is only a misdemeanor. And I’m not sure what the advantage is to gaining control of an animal facility. It doesn’t have nearly the same appeal as train robbing. Stealing a train FULL of animals, on the other hand… maybe THAT’S a felony.

Another interesting related statute:

REFUSAL TO LEAVE ANIMAL FACILITY

“Seriously; get OUT already! NO; FOR THE LAST TIME — YOU CAN’T HAVE A PUPPY!!!”

No Google for you

Google Reader is awesome and all, but man, their error messages are quite useless sometimes:

Some subjects go well together

I like the fact that Amazon.com, in their product recommendations, offered me books on these two subjects right next to each other:

computer-anger1.jpg

Yes, computers and anger are a natural fit. Amazon.com knows this. The technology wins every time, and we are left to fume at its dominance over us, as this classic clip perfectly captures:

(link to video)

Doesn’t everyone need a deal like this?

Picture 8.jpg

Go buy it, and re-sell it at the list price!!

Haiku explosion

I was inspired by the random-haiku-spewing IRC chatterbot at work to make a version that works in Javascript. It uses the same phrase fragments that drive the IRC version:

I think it will probably only work in modern browsers. If it doesn’t work for you, don’t worry – you aren’t missing much.

Alternate version without the explosion effect:

(if you are seeing this in an rss reader, please come directly to the post, since the javascript probably won’t work in your reader)

(see also: GOOSE)

Drywall face

QVC has some kind of strange hook that baits us into watching. Flipping through the channels, we are compelled to have the surreal experience of watching tacky products sold by over-enthusiastic cable television personalities. Kathryn was ensnared recently by the hyperactive delivery of sales points for Laura Geller “Spackle” makeup:

spackle1.jpg spackle2.jpg

I don’t claim to understand women, but I doubt they find much attraction to a cosmetic product named after something sold at Home Depot to help you patch up drywall so you can get your security deposit back.

Chat room robot haiku post of the day

Here’s an amusing randomly-generated haiku made by our chat bot today on the IRC channel at work:

who let the dogs out?
when the revolution comes
camels cannot dance

Offensive virtual festive gourds

I upgraded my Mac text editor today and saw the following surprising entry in the release notes:

[REMOVED] TextMate no longer pays tribute to human sacrifices, rape, nor does it show a picture of the God of the deaths in your dock — ticket 945BEB5D

Normally I’d expect to see a list of bug fixes or new features. The above entry surprised me, and I had to find out why it was there. It all spawned from the company deciding to push out a Halloween-oriented theme for the software. The theme included this dock icon:

pumpkin

Inevitably, someone found it offensive, and their complaint caused it to be removed: “I found this offensive and promptly removed the theme. Please understand I do not think it is offensive because I am some fanatical weirdo. But the roots of Halloween are in animal and human sacrifices as well as rape in the name if Satan.”

Here’s the full story with more detail. I can only imagine what will happen if they push out any Christmas-oriented imagery in their December updates.

Cthulhu fhtagn, and he approves of this message.

The unspeakable dread is mounting on this Election Day as I traverse the glittering touchscreen prompts on the voting machines to select our next round of overlords. But in his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming. And he has a campaign. Chris, friend of the Cthulhu for Senate effort, wore this shirt to the polls this morning:

248114.jpg

Get the word out with another fine example of Cthulhu campaign paraphenilia:

vote4cthulhu.jpg

More info on Cthulhu. Keep his name in mind if your desperation at the ballot leads you to stare at the write-in box, wondering what name to scrawl there. Is “a pulpy, tentacled head surmounted by a grotesque and scaly body with rudimentary wings” really any worse than many of the people we’ve already elected???

We’ll have to wait a little while longer for the Cthulhu for President campaign to heat up.

CHA0091.gif

The Napoleon Dynamite shirt the Cthulhu shirt is based on:

vote-for-pedro.jpg

See also: Icethulhu and Foodthulhu.

N-Day

A software development war story follows. It will bore you to tears if you are not interested in software development. On second thought, it will probably bore you to tears if you ARE interested in software development. Because it truly IS boring. But it was painful, so I purge here now.

We finally went live with our web-based legal case management system for Kentucky Department of Public Advocacy and, as is typical of any software deployment, we encountered problems. A nasty search performance issue cropped up. Searching for trial cases in the app took over two minutes on average. Which is really terrible when you consider how little time it takes for Google to search the entire fracking internet !

So, while troubleshooting for many hours, we extracted the SQL and ran it by hand. Was there an issue with the database itself, or the indexing, or the query SQL?

Nope. The results returned from the database instantaneously.

Weird. We thought, “OK, is there maybe some weird connection pooling problem?”

Nope. Pools were working fine.

“Funky garbage collection janitor thread in the Tapestry web components?”

Nope. The thread was well-behaved.

“Slight differences in the syntax of the SQL generated by different JDBC query modes?”

Nope. Trying different modes resulted in the same fast queries.

We spent about three long days poking at this really obnoxious problem. Finally, through obsessive Googling, I found some obscure forum post explaining a peculiarity of SQL Server’s Unicode-based parameterization of SQL. Turns out that under certain situations, Microsoft SQL Server 2000 is really inefficient when sending Unicode-encoded parameters to queries. So inefficient that it turned our blistering fast search queries into depressing mush.

So, we’d have a database query like this: select [blah] from [table] where [column] = @P

where @P is a Unicode-compatible parameter (in SQL Server, it is of type nvarchar). Then, I added a setting to turn that Unicode stuff off. The result is that in the SQL, the parameter type of nvarchar is replaced with varchar, and the searches went from taking 2 minutes to taking a second or two.

nvarchar vs varchar.

One character. THREE DAYS of lost time. The needle in the haystack almost kicked our asses.